As previously stated, technological progress scares me a little. Yet the spam filter on my letter box is doing a good job, shielding the unwanted information and burying it forever in the trash tin. Still every now and then I would receive a letter offering some lasting longer enlargement replicas, or - the best restaurant in the world. Of course with spam you cannot trust a thing they promise, only an indication of direction for those vaguely interested. Still it grabbed my attention - the best restaurant in the world - does it exist? So apparently it does. It is called El Bulli, all three Michelin stars, two hours north of Barcelona. A truly unbelievable story! They are open April to September only, and to get a reservation for April, you have to email them in October. It accommodates only 8,000 diners a season, with 800,000 people calling to try and book places - around 400 requests for every table. So you get the reservation first, and then you book your airfare! The kitchen team consists of 42 chefs. All of their crockery and cutlery is specially designed for their courses - which change daily. The menu is designed at the lab during the months when they are closed, behind the closed doors, incredibly confidential. The restaurant has no menu - you eat what you are given. There are 35 courses, divided into the following categories: cocktails, snacks, dry snacks, fresh snacks, tapas, dishes, predesserts, desserts, petit fours, and morths. It takes 6 hours to dine and you are allowed intermissions between the courses - to breathe and to digest. The meal costs about 150 Euros, and those who hope to get in would pay much more, as it is not a mere meal out - it is a culinary revolution. Although the rumour has it they operate at a significant loss, and they keep going only for the love of food. I imagine this is an absolutely different level of a culinary operation, and any dining experience. I am not too sure if I even want to go there, and whether I am capable of eating for six hours straight. However, it would be a different story - and a different wish-list, should I live in Europe at some stage. I am more interested to know whether they do a wine pairing, and how one does after 30 glasses of various wine, downed in 6 hours.

I am a big fan of Chef Gordon, I am ashamed to admit. I know the Brits dislike him for "bringing Britain down" and everybody else dislikes him for being an arrogant sweary ass, but I think he has got lots of drive and charisma and initiative. So every Thursday, at 9.30pm I dutifully watch his show, Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. With a tacky start - him throwing knives around - he actually does put on a hell of a performance. What happens in brief is he goes to dying restaurants and tries to turn the business around. The restaurants being on their last leg usually don't mind. Of course his job is partly to create the tension between the front and the back of the house, so he could mend things and save the place. So Gordon the Saviour changes the menu, fires a person or two, gets the staff agitated (You have to drive it! Drive it!) gets some vip customers in and voile. And if you think you can imagine a good restaurant going bad, you have to think twice. Some of them are truly - un-fucking-believably - bad. There is a place somewhere in LA which calls itself upmarket, yet serves powdered mashed potatoes. Or pre-made - and frozen potato mash. Or frozen veggies from a supermarket. That's not to mention sauces from a packet and desserts that only need microwaving. I specifically leave alone the hygiene issues, rats, freezers that don't freeze properly and how often the microwave is used. There's plenty of bad restaurants around, probably more that we think of it. Another dubious question is how all these people end up owning a restaurant! Is it just like somebody who likes eating a bit too much and watches a bit too much of Nigella (another bloody Brit teaching us how to cook!) and thinks it is a glamourous enterprise, when all you do is walk around and brush off B-list celebrities trying to sneak in? I think this is the only explanation of how all these weak mumblers who cannot put a thing together go bankrupt with their hospitality businesses. But the point is that without actually going to the restaurant, you have no way of knowing whether it is really any good - or bad. Which is OK if you are a local and get access to the word-of-mouth and town paper reviews. But if you are a visitor you just walk in to a place which looks somewhat nice and end up paying $27.50 for a frozen fish and powdered potatoes, and be grateful not to get the food poisoning. You know, I used to laugh at people who would research their travels, googling everything out, from sightseeing to local souvenirs. Well, I don't any more. I have seen enough bad restaurants (and even worked at one, but it was bad for other reasons, I just want to mention it here for extra credibility) to diligently study Zagat's guide to eating out in the places before even getting on the plane. And it is not just fine dining! Of course you are less likely to be poisoned in a finer place, but there is no insurance about getting a bad experience just about everywhere. Maybe I am just getting older and becoming more of a snob? I used to be like, ah, let's play it by ear, and now I believe in research and knowledge and anti-bacterial wipes in a handbag. I will never open my own restaurant nor will I eat in random places if I can avoid it (which I usually can). But for those of you who might have your own restaurant and the business is going slowly, Gordon's way to succeed is fresh local ingredients cooked simply. Bang, bang, bang - and you have to drive it, of course.